What to do...

Dear Mom:

Am I supposed to feel so blah most of the time? I try to put myself into a better mindset. It doesn't always work. I don't see how you survived losing both of your parents when you were so young. And then two sisters? You are a much stronger person than I will ever be. I try to model myself after you, but don't always succeed.

Luci came out for a visit last week. It was awesome. It also made me realize how alone and lonely I am out here. My family isn't here. My closest friends aren't here. I don't trust anyone enough with my grief. If I can't do that, how can I move forward?

Life is confusing. I know it always is, but right now it's more than most times. I don't know if I am going right or left, up or down. Simple decisions are sometimes out of reach.

Time will take care of everything, eventually. I want the pain and the numbness to stop. When I look at my screen saver at home of you and Shawna, I still can't believe you are dead. I don't want to believe it. Come visit me sometime please. But no rats or vampires. K?

Xoxo,

Nay

Heavy Heart

Dear Mom:

Today my heart is heavier than it was yesterday. There never seems to be any rhyme or reason for the turbelence of my emotions. I just try to ride it out until tomorrow and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I love you.

Xoxo,
Nay

Life is about change

Dear Mom:

Life is about change, I know this. I ask though, how much change is a person supposed to expect? So much change has happened in the last 6 months. From the swine flu to you dying, with other nasty occurences in between. The biggest obviously is losing you in this life. I know I have memories. I know you are in my heart. That's not enough for me. I am sure this makes me selfish. I don't care. All I want is you back in this physical realm, whole and healthy. I don't know where to turn, I don't know what to do. When you died, a part of me died as well. I don't feel whole anymore. I am reading a book on grief, and it is helping, but I need someone to support me. I have no support system out here. I have no one I trust with my grief. I tried to find a grief support group, but had no luck. I will look harder. I need something else. The pain is unbearable at times. I miss and love you sooo much. It hurts Mom. You are always the person I turned to when I was in pain. Who do I turn to now?

xoxo,
Nay

Mom

Dear Mom:

You are gone from me in this life. It hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I belong nowhere. I have no one close by to turn to. I sometimes don't care if I wake up or not the next day. Life doesn't have as much meaning to me since you died. If I could turn back time, I would. I would change all sorts of things. I would take your sickness. More people need you more than me. I would live in MI instead of CA. I'd not have lost contact with you for the length of time that I did. I miss you so much. I love you even more. Your last days, hours, minutes that I had with on this earth in the end will never be enough.

Xoxo forever and always,
Nay

Mother...

Mother dear, how is my heart going to survive without you. You are my everything and then some. I love you always and forever.

On the outside...

I have decided I have a personality trait I need to work on. I frequently have the feeling of being left out...of everything. Maybe it's from being alone or feeling lonely. For example, a bunch of YMCA employees were involved in a soccer match against another Y. I wasn't invited to participate. At least 3 of the players know I that play soccer, that I really like to play. Technically I am still a Y employee (on a leave of absence). This is just the most recent example. This happened last Sunday.

I think it may stem from the desire to be a part of something, for someone to "want" me (not in a sexual way). I feel like I belong nowhere. I have my kids. I play soccer. I work. That's about it. I used to think that I had a life outside of my kids, but in actuality, I have discovered I don't. Maybe I notice this more now because I only have one child at home. While I know my son still needs me, if feels like he doesn't. My daughter needs me, but only for what I can do for her.

I don't have a lot of people that I call friends. I know a lot of people, but very few are named as my friend. Most women my age are married and have much younger children than I do. For some reason, married folks don't seem to like to hang out with us single folks.

I'm not the type of person that you would invite to a wild party. I never have been. In fact, when I throw a party, hardly anyone I know shows up. I think I must seem unapproachable and am unsure why. I consider myself to be a friendly person. When people get to know me, I would say more like me than not. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

Life, love and being lonely

Most people I know would say so that I am a very happy person. I enjoy my life, enjoy my kids (most of the time) and enjoy being me. Why is it then, I feel alone and lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. I am okay being alone, usually. I like having my home to myself. I like doing what I want when I want to. I don't always feel lonely, but lately I do. I know a lot of people, but I don't really have any friends. I have soccer friends, work friends, but no one to call a "true" friend. No one to hang out with outside of my normal activities. I am not sure why. I do know that most married folks don't want to hang out with single gals. I am younger than most parents that have kids my age. Oddly enough, I get along with younger people pretty well. I think it is because I have a younger brother and sister. That is temporary though. I am at a different point in my life than they are. I have joined a couple of "meet-ups" to meet new people. I have yet to go to an event. I think partially I am afraid to give of myself, to let people in. My divorce has left me damaged. Now that I know that, I can work on it. I am afraid of commitment. I don't even like signing contracts for phones, satellite, etc. It makes me feel trapped. I don't like feeling trapped. Then why is it, if I don't like commitments, I want someone to share my life with me? I am a contradiction to myself.