Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Hopes and dreams...

When I was younger, in elementary school, I was determined to be a school teacher when I "grew up." Sometime during middle school, it changed to wanting to become a doctor. Sometime in high school it changed to wanting to be a nurse or something else in the medical field.

After graduating high school, getting married and moving to California, all of which happened in the span of 3 short months, I started community college. My goal was to become a nurse. The community college I was attending didn't have a nursing program so I majored in human biology as it had very similar course work. The very last semester before graduating (it took me 4 years, but I did it, and with honors, while working full time), I gave birth to my first child, my daughter Shawna. She was quite ill her first year of life, but thankfully outgrew the medical issues she had.

Although it was my hope to go back and finish up my dream of becoming a nurse, the reality of raising a child filled my life. Later, 6 years later, my son was born. 17 months after that, I became a single parent by way of divorce; one of the worst, and also the best, events of my life. Being a single Mom with two children took up much of my time and my resources. I had no thoughts but for my children and raising them.

The intent here is not to complain. Please keep reading, there is a point to this story.

Now, as my son is 16, I return to community college, yet again. I am finding out that my dream then of becoming a nurse is not my dream now. I worried that that made me less of who I am. It doesn't. I have realized that as it was when I was younger, hopes and dreams can change as you grow older and grow up. (Though if anyone tattles and says I am a grown up and growing up, I'll deny it.) I have not figured out what my dream is yet, what I want to be when I "grow up." That, and me, is still a work in progress. In the meantime, I think I'll work on getting an accounting degree.

Once I worried that my Mother would be disappointed in me, with this decision I have made. She wouldn't be. She would be happy for me no matter what I decide.

The point of the story is that it is okay for your hopes and your dreams to change. Life is all about change and adapting to these changes. How you adapt/react to these changes help define you as a person. Life's lessons so to speak. Until next time...

Monday, July 19, 2010

Words are meaningless

Dear Mom:

Why doesn't anyone understand? I know they are trying to be helpful with their kind platitudes. It's just words. Words don't help. Words are not comforting.

Everyone's journey of mourning and grieving is different. Some pass through it quickly, others take much longer. I am not passing through it quickly.

I am adrift in the sea of life. My anchor is gone. You were my anchor. Some would tell me to make God my anchor. I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer. I don't have the blind faith that others have. I wish I did.

Trying to be positive is easier said than done. Moving forward is difficult. I am honest with myself. I am not ready to accept this new reality. I am stuck on the past. I am stuck on wanting you back in my life. You were taken from me/us far too early.

I don't need answers to my statements. I don't need advice. All I need is for someone to acknowledge my pain, to ask me if there is anything they can do. No one can complete this journey except me. No one can hasten me on my way. I am alone in my travels.

I miss you Mom. I always will. I do honor you in my heart, but that doesn't change the fact that I want you with me. I wish people would understand that. I love you.

xoxo,
Nay

I want my Mom!!!

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

I know I am being unrealistic.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

I know I am being unreasonable.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

Everyone tells me she wouldn't want me to be this way.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

What does she care now?

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

She isn't here.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

What about what I want?

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

What to do...

Dear Mom:

Am I supposed to feel so blah most of the time? I try to put myself into a better mindset. It doesn't always work. I don't see how you survived losing both of your parents when you were so young. And then two sisters? You are a much stronger person than I will ever be. I try to model myself after you, but don't always succeed.

Luci came out for a visit last week. It was awesome. It also made me realize how alone and lonely I am out here. My family isn't here. My closest friends aren't here. I don't trust anyone enough with my grief. If I can't do that, how can I move forward?

Life is confusing. I know it always is, but right now it's more than most times. I don't know if I am going right or left, up or down. Simple decisions are sometimes out of reach.

Time will take care of everything, eventually. I want the pain and the numbness to stop. When I look at my screen saver at home of you and Shawna, I still can't believe you are dead. I don't want to believe it. Come visit me sometime please. But no rats or vampires. K?

Xoxo,
Nay

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Heavy Heart

Dear Mom:

Today my heart is heavier than it was yesterday. There never seems to be any rhyme or reason for the turbelence of my emotions. I just try to ride it out until tomorrow and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I love you.

Xoxo,
Nay

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Life is about change

Dear Mom:

Life is about change, I know this. I ask though, how much change is a person supposed to expect? So much change has happened in the last 6 months. From the swine flu to you dying, with other nasty occurences in between. The biggest obviously is losing you in this life. I know I have memories. I know you are in my heart. That's not enough for me. I am sure this makes me selfish. I don't care. All I want is you back in this physical realm, whole and healthy. I don't know where to turn, I don't know what to do. When you died, a part of me died as well. I don't feel whole anymore. I am reading a book on grief, and it is helping, but I need someone to support me. I have no support system out here. I have no one I trust with my grief. I tried to find a grief support group, but had no luck. I will look harder. I need something else. The pain is unbearable at times. I miss and love you sooo much. It hurts Mom. You are always the person I turned to when I was in pain. Who do I turn to now?

xoxo,
Nay

Monday, April 19, 2010

Mom

Dear Mom:

You are gone from me in this life. It hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I belong nowhere. I have no one close by to turn to. I sometimes don't care if I wake up or not the next day. Life doesn't have as much meaning to me since you died. If I could turn back time, I would. I would change all sorts of things. I would take your sickness. More people need you more than me. I would live in MI instead of CA. I'd not have lost contact with you for the length of time that I did. I miss you so much. I love you even more. Your last days, hours, minutes that I had with on this earth in the end will never be enough.

Xoxo forever and always,
Nay