Words are meaningless

Dear Mom:

Why doesn't anyone understand? I know they are trying to be helpful with their kind platitudes. It's just words. Words don't help. Words are not comforting.

Everyone's journey of mourning and grieving is different. Some pass through it quickly, others take much longer. I am not passing through it quickly.

I am adrift in the sea of life. My anchor is gone. You were my anchor. Some would tell me to make God my anchor. I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer. I don't have the blind faith that others have. I wish I did.

Trying to be positive is easier said than done. Moving forward is difficult. I am honest with myself. I am not ready to accept this new reality. I am stuck on the past. I am stuck on wanting you back in my life. You were taken from me/us far too early.

I don't need answers to my statements. I don't need advice. All I need is for someone to acknowledge my pain, to ask me if there is anything they can do. No one can complete this journey except me. No one can hasten me on my way. I am alone in my travels.

I miss you Mom. I always will. I do honor you in my heart, but that doesn't change the fact that I want you with me. I wish people would understand that. I love you.

xoxo,
Nay

I want my Mom!!!

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

I know I am being unrealistic.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

I know I am being unreasonable.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

Everyone tells me she wouldn't want me to be this way.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

What does she care now?

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

She isn't here.

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

What about what I want?

I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!! I want my Mom!!!

What to do...

Dear Mom:

Am I supposed to feel so blah most of the time? I try to put myself into a better mindset. It doesn't always work. I don't see how you survived losing both of your parents when you were so young. And then two sisters? You are a much stronger person than I will ever be. I try to model myself after you, but don't always succeed.

Luci came out for a visit last week. It was awesome. It also made me realize how alone and lonely I am out here. My family isn't here. My closest friends aren't here. I don't trust anyone enough with my grief. If I can't do that, how can I move forward?

Life is confusing. I know it always is, but right now it's more than most times. I don't know if I am going right or left, up or down. Simple decisions are sometimes out of reach.

Time will take care of everything, eventually. I want the pain and the numbness to stop. When I look at my screen saver at home of you and Shawna, I still can't believe you are dead. I don't want to believe it. Come visit me sometime please. But no rats or vampires. K?

Xoxo,

Nay

Heavy Heart

Dear Mom:

Today my heart is heavier than it was yesterday. There never seems to be any rhyme or reason for the turbelence of my emotions. I just try to ride it out until tomorrow and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I love you.

Xoxo,
Nay

Life is about change

Dear Mom:

Life is about change, I know this. I ask though, how much change is a person supposed to expect? So much change has happened in the last 6 months. From the swine flu to you dying, with other nasty occurences in between. The biggest obviously is losing you in this life. I know I have memories. I know you are in my heart. That's not enough for me. I am sure this makes me selfish. I don't care. All I want is you back in this physical realm, whole and healthy. I don't know where to turn, I don't know what to do. When you died, a part of me died as well. I don't feel whole anymore. I am reading a book on grief, and it is helping, but I need someone to support me. I have no support system out here. I have no one I trust with my grief. I tried to find a grief support group, but had no luck. I will look harder. I need something else. The pain is unbearable at times. I miss and love you sooo much. It hurts Mom. You are always the person I turned to when I was in pain. Who do I turn to now?

xoxo,
Nay

Mom

Dear Mom:

You are gone from me in this life. It hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I belong nowhere. I have no one close by to turn to. I sometimes don't care if I wake up or not the next day. Life doesn't have as much meaning to me since you died. If I could turn back time, I would. I would change all sorts of things. I would take your sickness. More people need you more than me. I would live in MI instead of CA. I'd not have lost contact with you for the length of time that I did. I miss you so much. I love you even more. Your last days, hours, minutes that I had with on this earth in the end will never be enough.

Xoxo forever and always,
Nay