Mother...

Mother dear, how is my heart going to survive without you. You are my everything and then some. I love you always and forever.

On the outside...

I have decided I have a personality trait I need to work on. I frequently have the feeling of being left out...of everything. Maybe it's from being alone or feeling lonely. For example, a bunch of YMCA employees were involved in a soccer match against another Y. I wasn't invited to participate. At least 3 of the players know I that play soccer, that I really like to play. Technically I am still a Y employee (on a leave of absence). This is just the most recent example. This happened last Sunday.

I think it may stem from the desire to be a part of something, for someone to "want" me (not in a sexual way). I feel like I belong nowhere. I have my kids. I play soccer. I work. That's about it. I used to think that I had a life outside of my kids, but in actuality, I have discovered I don't. Maybe I notice this more now because I only have one child at home. While I know my son still needs me, if feels like he doesn't. My daughter needs me, but only for what I can do for her.

I don't have a lot of people that I call friends. I know a lot of people, but very few are named as my friend. Most women my age are married and have much younger children than I do. For some reason, married folks don't seem to like to hang out with us single folks.

I'm not the type of person that you would invite to a wild party. I never have been. In fact, when I throw a party, hardly anyone I know shows up. I think I must seem unapproachable and am unsure why. I consider myself to be a friendly person. When people get to know me, I would say more like me than not. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

Life, love and being lonely

Most people I know would say so that I am a very happy person. I enjoy my life, enjoy my kids (most of the time) and enjoy being me. Why is it then, I feel alone and lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. I am okay being alone, usually. I like having my home to myself. I like doing what I want when I want to. I don't always feel lonely, but lately I do. I know a lot of people, but I don't really have any friends. I have soccer friends, work friends, but no one to call a "true" friend. No one to hang out with outside of my normal activities. I am not sure why. I do know that most married folks don't want to hang out with single gals. I am younger than most parents that have kids my age. Oddly enough, I get along with younger people pretty well. I think it is because I have a younger brother and sister. That is temporary though. I am at a different point in my life than they are. I have joined a couple of "meet-ups" to meet new people. I have yet to go to an event. I think partially I am afraid to give of myself, to let people in. My divorce has left me damaged. Now that I know that, I can work on it. I am afraid of commitment. I don't even like signing contracts for phones, satellite, etc. It makes me feel trapped. I don't like feeling trapped. Then why is it, if I don't like commitments, I want someone to share my life with me? I am a contradiction to myself.

Family!

My two sisters, having a corn eating contest.

Sorry the video is a bit shaky.

I was laughing so hard I couldn't keep the camera still!

Summer!

Summer is awesome, especially in Southern California. We not only have the beaches, but the mountains as well. Don't forget the desert, if you are into that (I am NOT!). I love the ocean, but won't swim in it (too many sharks in dem dere waters!) Just to gaze out into the never ending blue waters is amazing. I am originally from Michigan. I don't think I can ever go back, no matter how much I miss my family. I take solace in the ocean. A walk on the pier or the sand always makes my worries lessen!

Soccer!!!

Soccer! Who loves soccer? I love soccer. Soccer is defined as "a form of football played between two teams of 11 players, in which the ball may be advanced by kicking or by bouncing it off any part of the body but the arms and hands, except in the case of the goalkeepers, who may use their hands to catch, carry, throw, or stop the ball." This sounds like a very odd sport. Especially when you think about chasing after a ball before someone else gets to it. How does this make sense?

In my younger days, I was on 5 different teams in one season. I normally average 2-3 teams. I am only on one team at the moment and it hurts. My son hates it. How can anyone hate soccer? It's the best sport ever!

Trucks!!!

Trucks! Recently I have discovered the joy of a truck. I don't own one, at least not yet. As a homeowner, I have come to realize that a truck would be so handy dandy. A truck! A big, bad ass truck. For those that know me, realize I am vertically challenged at only 5' 2.5" tall. Wouldn't I just look the cutest in a truck? If I was a guy, I would be accused of truck envy. I want one so badly I can taste it. In about 9 months, I am seriously going to look at buying myself one. I used to want a Honda Pilot. Phooey on that. My old trusty Honda Civic will go to my son in about 2 years, when he starts driving. Eeeks!

Love Hate Relationship...

Love? Hate? What makes them different? Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Hate is to dislike intensely or passionately. I suppose the key word is passion. My love hate relationship, passion as you may have it, is with Home Depot. I love going there and shopping, but I hate it on the other hand because it makes me love it. I spend my money, for the littlest things. I look for any excuse to go to Home Depot. Need a screw? Ooops, need to go to Home Depot. Meanwhile I ignore all the screws at home that may be of use. Sigh...how much time I have wasted before I was a homeowner. Don't even get me started on tools. My favorite Christmas gift of 2008? My first cordless drill from my mom. It's a 12v Ryobi. Oooh baby!

Did anyone ever tell you?

Did anyone ever tell you that having a child can cause you the worst heartache you have experienced? Worse than any of your most heart wrenching breakups? On the other hand, mothers seem to have the unlimited capacity to forgive. I have caused this heartache to my own mother. Both of my sisters have caused our mother this heartache. She has forgiven all of us. I have experienced this heartache from my own daughter. The pain is fresh. I still love her. I always will. I already forgive her. I just hope that with time, she will forgive me. I miss her, more than I can ever express.

Why?

Why is it that the younger generation always chooses to repeat mistakes from the past? Mistakes that most adults as a whole have already made? Do they think that they won't make the same mistakes? Do they think they have a better way? Probably.

They seem to think that just because they are 18 (or 19 or 20) that they are an adult. Chronological age doesn't make you an adult. Experience and life's lessons make you an adult. With being an adult comes a certain responsibility. When you are an adult, you take care of yourself. You pay your own bills.

It’s much more than money though. Most youngsters see it as being “free”, but it’s a trade off. To be free, you need to be independent; to be independent, you need to be able to support yourself; to support yourself, you need to work. In order to work, you give up some of your freedom.

Will they ever learn? Yes, but the hard way.