My heart hurts, still...after over 18 months. I know it will never entirely go away, but I am tired. Tired of the heartache. Tired of crying. Tired of seeing little reminders that make me think of you and make me sad. These reminders make me think of how much I miss you. A blog is an online journal, of sorts, so I thought I would write about it.
Most of the time, there is no rhyme or reason why I hurt, why I cry. Like now, I started crying for no obvious reason and then my heartache became a physical pain. I never understood what keening truly was until after you died.
I'm like a little kid, I want my Mom to make it go away. It's hard to type through my tears. I want my Mom. I want my Mom. I WANT MY MOM!!! I know that this will never be again, but my heart wants what it wants. It doesn't listen to my brain.
You were way too young to die when you did. I still don't understand why you died. I'll probably never understand. We all still need you!
Mom, I miss you sooooo much. I think about you every single day. I don't have anyone that will hold me while I cry and tell me everything will be okay. So I cry alone. I hate this. I am so unhappy right now. I know I am selfish, appearing to ask for others sympathy, when I know most everyone has had someone they loved more than life itself die.
Some times I think that if I moved back to MI, around my sibs, that it would be easier. I am not so sure it would be.
This pain is all mine. It at least lets me know that I am still alive. I have a hard time sharing it, letting go of it. I don't trust anyone with my heart anymore. It's been broken beyond what it can take. You always made me feel better. You were the one I poured my heart out to. I have no one else I trust that task to. Only you. Some gets bits and pieces, but never all of it.
What am I supposed to do Mom? I've tried acting normal. I've tried keeping busy. I've tried medications. Nothing really works; it always comes back to me. I do believe in God and in prayer. I pray for Him to take away this pain or to help me deal with it. All I want is you and this is exactly what I can't have. Make it stop, please make it go away. I know I will never be the person I was before your death, but I know I can't be this person I am now forever. I am more than this but don't know how to find my way anymore. Please come love me Mom, even if only in my dreams...
xoxo,
Thanks for sharing your pain....I know you are not looking for any type of typical cliche response from me saying that "it will be ok" or "Time heals all wounds" or even, my personal favorite "She is in a better place"....Oh No....I am much to Cheesy for that. :) But I will say these few words of encouragement.
ReplyDeleteA bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn!!
Love you
Ian
Thanks cuz. Though, don't be surprised if I crash and burn cause I take the turn too fast or miss it completely. Seriously, thanks for not saying the "standard" comfort words, even if they are true...just not what I want to hear. Love you too!
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